Tortoisea

Tortoisea is the country in which all tortoises of Earth live. It is located between Australia and Mexico and is very big. The estimated population is 4,2 billion tortoises.

States
Tortoisea is divided in 5 states: Tortoisefornia, Tortexas, St. Tortoise, Tortoisii and Tortoise de Janeiro.



The president lives in Tortoisefornia, so it is the most important state, it resembles the climate and feel of American state California; the Americans probably were inspired and thus gave this name to their state. Its capital is Tortoisopolis.

Tortexas resembles the American state Texas, with people with different

accents, more conservative in general, more supportive of guns and wars; it is said that the Fucking Big Wars started there, although it is not confirmed. Its capital is Tortoise City.

Tortoisii is a state which is actually an island, located near the islands of Oceania. It has a very tropical weather and is known for its very big waves which attract a lot of surfers and Americans. "Grindin' Overseas", a song from Clayton Jokythur, may have been inspired by some of his holidays spent in Tortoisii. Its capital is D****b.

St. Tortoise is a more religious place (even though D****b the city is in Tortoiseii), where people strictly respect the rules and habits of their ancestors and try to live in a way that is not very normal nowadays, such as with the minimum tecnology or even electricity. Much consider them to be weird. Its capital is Capitortoise.

Tortoise de Janeiro, on the same latitude as the Brazilian state, is known for its resemblance with the aforementioned place. There are a lot of beaches with bad bitches, it is a very beautiful state, specially its capital (a city with the same name) and, as a downside, there is a lot of violence.

Politics
The current president of Tortoisea is Al Pac Tortoise D****b1 Ruffo, he is very good to the people and has not, in any way, censored the rest of this article.

To show how that is true, the article even continues after the oh-so-calunious inference that the article might have been censored by Mr. President. Al Pac adopted new economic measures that doubled Tortoisea's profit from almost every activity, allowing it to save a lot of money in a little amount of time. With this money, Tortoisea made huge and very good investments which led to an incredible growth in all the areas possible.

Tortoisea is expected to be better than China in the economy by 2042. Also, it is expected to be better than China in the Olympic Games when it is included in them; Tortoiseans all around find it highly prejudiced that the humans claim they can't compete because they are tortoises and thus are slow and would be no match for the ultra-fast humans.

Al Pac is on his 4th term as presidents, but he actually is only on his 1st, as the constitution was dramatically changed after his 2nd and his 3rd term, thus resetting the count to 0, which makes his power completely legitimate, unlike, for example, Juvenal Juvêncio from SPFC or Sasha Baron Cohen as the character Alladin in the movie The Dictator.

1: This surname has never been confirmed as being indeed part of the president's name, but, according to him, it is just another indication of how he descends from the Gods themselves.

History
Tortoises are believed to have originated, by the Darwinian theory of evolution, in Brazil around 600 000 years ago. They lived happily there until they moved to Africa around 420 000 years ago. Until that point, they could not talk or do things the humans believe only they do.

But, being in Africa, the tortoises started to have bigger dicks, which ended up giving them more prosperity, status and pleasure. With this, they ascended in the social order of the animals of the region and, with time, invented a language, Tortoisean, and turned into rational beings.

Following this evolution, which occurred approximately at Lv. 36 000 years ago, they moved into an area past Australia and before Mexico, which, with time, became known as Tortoisea, the home of the tortoises. Having found a whole big country to call their own (there were other animals there, but tortoises, of course, were superior to them and thus called the country theirs), they developed quickly techonology and a lot of other stuff, counting, from approximately the year 1200, with some unintended help from the humans, who showed themselves to be a not-so-dumb animal as the tortoises originally thought.

Around the 18th century, a few important and intelligent Tortoises made plans for the division of Tortoisea in states,  which resulted in the division vigent until nowadays; at this time, the population of Tortoisea didn't even reach 1 billion, but as it grew more and more cities were founded, giving shape to the modern continent of nowadays.

In 1975, there was a group of tortoises from the South supposedly trying to break free from the country. This has never been confirmed, but, after the claims surfaced, central Tortoisea was attacked by missiles coming from the Middle East. Even with its super techonology, Tortoisean authorities couldn't find the origin of the shots, so they proceded to attack itself, which meant not letting at any cost the tortoises from the South be independent, if they did really wish so. This led to a fucking big civil war, that was made even worse by more of this unknown missiles coming in to help (or not) both sides (South and everything else). The war ended in 1978 with 690 000 000 victims and a brutally wounded (in all senses) country, which, in the two following years, managed to heal itself gradually.

Before the country could restore its old glory, in 1980, the island of Kiribati tried to attack Tortoisea with nuclear weapons that no one knows how they got. Their goal was to claim some of Tortoisea for them, in a very bold move. Not having even fully recovered from the war, and with an angry/mostly deceased population on the South, Tortoisea struggled a lot to assemble an army that could fight back; this was the Fucking Big War 2. After having almost been hit by an atomic bomb and having almost lost the war, Tortoisea managed to turn the tables and defeat the Kiribatians. After that, the country could finally become again the big power it had been until before the war.